The questions
Memories of the road I walked as an expat in Belgium
By the end of the month when the last cardboard box disappears, the garage is empty of items to send to Goodwill, the closets are neatly organized, the art is hung and the last random piles littering the floor are resolved, I will finally have a sense that my expat experience has ended and the next phase of my life has begun. There's been so much to sort out. Being an expat isn't just about location, it's tied to your state of mind.
In many ways, my expat experience didn't begin the day I landed in Belgium to live, but the hot July day I first seriously considered leaving America behind and starting a new life in a foreign country. I stepped out in faith, knowing little about what would lie ahead but believing I could handle it, that it would be good for me even if it was hard.
And it was hard. And it was good for me.
It was a journey that expanded my world, created a whole new interior and exterior geography, and altered my ways of seeing and being. Just as the title of this blog suggests, life grows, breaks down, is rearranged, and generates something new.
While the preparation and physical act of moving dominated at least six months of our lives, the psychological effects and lessons will be with me always. As my post over the last few months have indicated, unpacking and settling into my native country again hasn't just been about dealing with boxes and closets. It's about unwrapping the feelings and ideas that were buried during the process, recognizing what they are, examining them from all sides, confronting what I'm uncomfortable with, working toward a larger understanding, and ultimately, processing my experiences--not stuffing them away.
As I've written before, the greatest truths are often revealed in the questions we ask ourselves. The questions define what it is we want to know, what it is that Matters. Questioning is a constant for me--the foundation of my life. As for answers? They evolve, are fluid, and will always reflect change.
As I come to the end of my first (but hopefully not last) expat experience, I give you The Big Questions I've wrestled with and continue to explore:
- Where is home?
- What does it look like?
- How does it feel?
- Who do I share it with?
- How do I share it?
- What is my community?
- How will I participate in it?
- What material possessions do I need to function happily?
- Why?
- If something isn't useful now but may be useful later, is it really worth saving?
- Does it really matter how much I spent on an item if I don't love it anymore?
- What does money have to do with value?
- Does it matter how much I've invested in a relationship if it's not working anymore?
- What does time invested have to do with value?
- How does proximity create, shape, and end relationships?
- What items remain personal symbols and what ones have ceased to resonate?
- Why?
- Can I let go of who I was and acknowledge who I am now?
- How do I discard the past without discarding its lessons?
- How do I release old sorrows and embrace the day's joy?
- How do I let go of the hurt and truly forgive others?
- How do I hold myself accountable and yet forgive myself?
- Is all this soul searching leading to understanding and compassion--or narcissm and selfishness?
What are YOUR big questions?
May 12, 2008
Veronica McCabe Deschambault
in Midlife, Expat archive, Leaving, Coming home
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Reader Comments (17)
While asking them is a sign of intelligence, I've yet to come to term with many of similar issues over here in Belgium.
Tough questions, with no guarantee that lots of soul searching will provide satisfactory answers.
Let me pick out one of your questions and try to explain how I handled the 'problem'.
We had a long weekend in Belgium (Pentecost, a 3d public holiday weekend including Monday). My s/o wasn't available, the 'hot' 30°C/90°F temps would drive the whole town (and country) to the sea.
My former diving instructor called and suggested I joined him on his trip to Holland. I did.
His behavior had caused considerable social damage in my life and even made me lose contact with virtually all my diving buddies.
I talked to him for hours, 'trying to let go of the hurt and truly forgive him'
I failed.
In fact, I just noticed how little my friendship had meant to him/many of my diving buddies for over 10 years.
OK, I learned a lesson. But I'm quite aware of the fact I cannot magically turn back time and behave as if nothing has happened.
Profound questions, complex answers, long stories.
Good luck with finding your personal answers.
I'll call you tomorrow...E-mail me the best time...
Today I subbed a period for a colleague who teaches middle school (7th grade).
Here are my big questions after only one hour with middle school kids..
When will June 13th come?
When can we send them them home to their parents ?
(Now at home after the commute) Who drank all the gin?
My biggest questions right now are things like:
Am I doing everything I can to make sure my boys grow into strong men?
What defines success for me?
When did my body decide to surrender to gravity?
What's my purpose in life right now?
But I will try and come up with what my "big questions" are, and will make an attempt at writing something about that topic.
Right now by "big question" is:
- When will my grading be done, and why I am reading blogs instead of attenting to it?
I think the big question on my mind now is What kind of person do I want to be in five years. I just can't find an answer. You wanna give it a go?
I think you want to be sober and published in five years with a set of blog entries on your travels in America. Sound good? You can skip the sober part if you want. It's rather a crime not to drink Belgian beer. : )
This post is something I need to read over again, and think about. You could write a whole book with these questions, V.
I am so glad you are a part of my "community".
:)
I've been trying to not think as much about the questions lately, as I have about just living. I figure if I continue on long enough, I may just stumble across the answers eventually.
-CFS