The undertow
March 19, 2010 at 7:56 While I've faced many challenges and losses in my life, it's my struggle with depression that I find most difficult. At times it seems intractable, unsolvable, and unrelenting. I go for long periods of time feeling just fine, and then when I get knocked down and pulled into the undertow again, I'm disappointed and frustrated that I'm once again struggling to keep my head above water.
Those who have never suffered from clinical depression have no idea how painful and debilitating it is. How a sense of inertia seeps into your being. How it leaves its victims feeling vulnerable, overwhelmed, and guilty. How it makes a person feel invisible, hopeless, disposable, and numb.
My friend Mike, a journalist, contributed to an award-winning series of articles on suicide and depression and shared his own experience with chronic depression. His willingness to go public with his personal story helped many people (including me) recognize that depression is an illness and not a character flaw, moral failure, or intellectual mindset.
I try to take good care of myself. I make sure I get enough sleep, I get outside year round and exercise, I take B vitamins and Omega III supplements, I try to untangle what's bothering me and address it, and I take prescription medication too, which is very effective for me. But one of the best tools for dealing with depression has been social media.
In real life, most people hide their depression and work carefully to maintain a "normal" facade. Bloggers are more willing to show what's going on behind the scenery of their lives. Through blogging, I've met other people who have struggled with depression. Smart, articulate, big-hearted, creative people who know what it feels like to fall all the way into the bottom of the well or to be pulled under by a giant wave.
Like a few of my real life friends, they're an amazing source of support because they're willing to acknowledge the darkness that lies beneath, the strength of its pull, and the isolation it brings. They don't lecture or chastise or tell you how great your life is (implying your depression shows a lack of gratitude). They don't say, "Things could be much worse! Think about the people in Haiti (or Chile or Palestine or Indonesia or Somalia...)" They don't tell you to stop whining and get a grip.
They simply listen. They offer sympathy. They are kind to you and encourage you to be kind to yourself. They check on you. They send you poems or music or even care packages. They say, "Maybe you should consider seeing a doctor." They remind you of all the good things you bring to the world and how important you are. They tell you to hang on. They are not embarrassed to say I love you. They don't cringe. They give you their phone numbers and say, "Call me." They don't make you feel like a loser.
Thanks to social media, someone is always available to acknowledge your existence and share a moment with you on Twitter, on Facebook, or on a blog post. Those who mock social media have no clue how powerful it can be, how even small interactions can yield big benefits.
I've been buoyed by the generosity and sensitivity of my friends online and in real life, both by those who know the details of my life and those who don't but who are positive and supportive in general. The comments you leave here, the e-mails you send, and even the quiet "lurkers" who appear anonymously on my site meter are all part of that network. So thank you all, and have a great weekend. : )
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Reader Comments (24)
I loved your blog while you were in Europe. Back in America it had more of a "white picket fence flavor."
I applaud you,
Lilian
I first wanted to die at age 7. Prayed every night that I'd not awaken in the morning. For the longest time, I blamed my inner turmoil on a wildly tumultuous family life laden with violence and abuse and tears.
Through my mid-thirties, the "dark debilitator" and I never parted company. I read scores of self-help books, ate right, got plenty of sleep, avoided alcohol, sought counseling, never toyed with drugs and practiced every holistic recommendation. Still, he dogged me.
Despite the fact that, once an adult, I enjoyed every blessing and achieved every goal, I still fell into the abyss on a regular basis. Climbing out was a monumental feat that nearly broke me time and again.
When the first of two of my children became chronically ill, I finally told the doctor the dirty details of my thirty-year battle with the beast. Her response? "This is a biological illness. All you've done has helped, but only medication will set your chemistry right."
Enter the vanquisher- a prescription antidepressant. Over the years I weaned myself off of it several times, thinking I could manage on my own. Finally, I accept it as my saving grace. On it, I AM me. Without it, HE wins. Fuck that.
If it ever stops working, I'll get myself to the doctor and find a new "cure." I love being me. I'll never again willingly give myself up.
And because I'm visualizing furiousball as a Chippendale man playing to the crowd.
Love, me
I am grateful for the support I have found online in social media. And I am grateful for the support I have found IRL. And I am excited that those two worlds are starting to collide. And I am grateful.
your words are so very helpful. the comments make me feel so much not alone.
thank you. and you have a great weekend too :-)
Fortunately, I haven't felt the tug again...yet. I did witness a friend whose depression was horrible and exacerbated by a bad life situation. She heard all the "pull yourself together for your child" and "take a long walk every day" platitudes. I wanted to slap the people who said those things to her. But most people have to have "been there, done that" to understand.
Social media definitely make finding support easier. Did you read about the Twitter intervention that happened because Demi Moore called the police to intervene in the case of young man who tweeted about how he wanted to die? The man was put in protective custody, and we can hope he gets the medical help he needs.
You never know when a simple, online kindness can make a huge difference in someone's life.
Thanks for such a thought-provoking post, V.
Depression. Such a complicated, lonely, cancerous "beast" [Kim Nelson's honest description of her experience labeled the illness perfectly as a "beast"]. I'm so glad you've found support and friendship online. It's trite to say, but thank you for sharing this.
: )
I'm so glad you have a network of support. I think all of us who use social networking realize how valuable it is on many levels. Anyway, I'm glad to be part of your network ... I'm always here if you need me. I mean it.
Shirley
Through seeing her struggle with it, I did see many of the things that you talked about. About how people try to talk you out of it, and how assumptions can be made about character, willingness to get better, etc. I haven't struggled with this disease myself, but I hope that your bad days are fewer and fewer in the future.