Why does social media make me feel lonely?
April 17, 2012 at 10:19 
Social media is a strange place for me lately. I find myself more drained than buoyed by the time I spend on Facebook or Twitter. I set up a Pinterest account and stared blankly at the "boards" there and thought, "What's the point here?" It doesn't seem like a vehicle for self-expression or social interaction but more like a visual wish list that announces who you aspire to be in terms of things. I just don't get it, and even though it's The Next Big Thing, it's passing me by.
Facebook, an application I really like, has a similar feel to it. I love the personal updates, the family stuff, the photos, but I find fewer and fewer people update that way anymore. Mostly my stream is full of news articles, inspirational quotes, music videos and links. Once in a while these generate interesting discussions, but mostly they're ignored or "Liked" and passed over as yet another link pops into view. Whoosh!
Instead of sharing things that are personal, everyone is becoming a curator of "content," defining their lives not by what THEY have to say but what OTHERS have to say that they agree with. I find myself subconsciously categorizing or remembering people not by where they live or what they DO but by what causes they espouse or what they read and feel compelled to share.
I find myself struggling to understand what's really going on with people I care about, trying to gauge their state of being by their content links rather than by what they say. There are fewer and fewer people saying ANYTHING that feels real to me, and the lack of personal content makes me reluctant to write anything too personal myself, as if I'd be blurting out something inappropriate. Which isn't to say I never enjoy the links (or post them myself), but just that it feels empty and incomplete to me, like reading a single section of a newspaper someone left behind on a Metro seat on their way to somewhere else.
Facebook and Twitter have become places to broadcast content, not really socialize, and I miss feeling like I was gaining a real sense of someone's life and not just becoming familiar with their political leanings. I seldom feel like I'm connecting to people anymore online, either in what I read or what I say. I miss the old days of social media, where bloggers and commenters shared posts that focused on *their* stories, *their* experiences, *their* creative endeavors. There was the joy of discovering kindred souls and different life styles. The world became bigger and smaller with social media, and I liked that, but now it's matured and sometimes it's nothing more than static and white noise, the roar of the crowd.
My friend Neil is always questioning social media: What does it mean? Where is it going? How can we be "authentic" online? How has the concept of "branding" affected online interactions? What's the future of blogging? Does it even have a future?
These are questions I have too, but I confess I'm reluctant to devote too much energy to exploring or debating the answers. I'll leave that to the academics. I know there is no right way to use social media, and I'm not convinced we can get a grip on this big electronic mass of marketing, activism, politics, promotion, news media, and personal expression. It's like trying to build something substantial out of Jell-O.
All I know is that it feels empty to me at the moment, and that's probably more my problem than Facebook's or Twitter's.
If this were an "authentic" post, I suppose I wouldn't be writing about social media but I'd be writing about my own moments of loneliness, the desire for human connection, the need to be seen and valued, to feel part of something more important and permanent than a scrolling comment thread. When I'm feeling isolated, Facebook is probably the last place I should go to seek comfort. I should pick up the phone, write an e-mail, make a date, take a walk, whatever. That, I suppose, is what this post is REALLY about, but I had to write it to discover that.
That's probably the most important part of blogging for me now. My blog motivates me to write and create and to discover and confront what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, what matters.
If I didn't have this online space, would I bother to do that, or would I bury my truth and myself in a series of links?
How does social media feel for you at the moment? How has that changed?
Reader Comments (14)
Strange in a way to hear such criticism from you, though, because of all people I follow, you post a lot about art, show beautiful photos, but have moved quite a bit away from the personal stories you shared on your blog in Belgium...
That said, I do still share some personal stories (recent posts on my outing with my daughter, my husband's travels, losing my wedding rings). The art I share is my own creation and a personal reflection of my life. Ditto the photographs. I feel my art is every bit (and sometimes more) personal than my stories, and even when I post photos, I try to explain what they mean to me, why I feel compelled to share them.
I think many of us have come to rely on social media too much to keep in touch and because it's being overtaken by links and such, it's less effective in that regard than it once was for me. I do enjoy it and sometimes find it entertaining, but some days it feels very empty and impersonal.
I feel no connection to Twitter at all. Some people love it, but I can't keep up with everyone's posts and I end up feeling behind and like I've missed something. It works for the Man-type Person, oddly enough, but I really don't enjoy it. It stresses me out, which means it doesn't belong in my life. I feel ambivalent or even neutral about Pinterest. I don't consider it a social network in the same way that Facebook is, although I suppose it could be used in a similar way. I am not often on it, and for me, it is more of a very personal visual bookmarking system, a way for me to gain inspiration for my creative endeavors and get a sense of my own style. It has been interesting to see and consider the patterns in what appeals to me, and for now that's enough reason to hang on to it. I enjoy stumbling on ideas or art or places when I'm feeling stuck or a little down. Sometimes a picture of someone's garden or the color of someone's living room is enough to inspire me in a certain direction.
I'll be chewing on this post for the rest of the day...
I recently started filtering my FB updates and photos using lists not because of privacy concerns but more because I'm not sure who is really interested in some of the personal bits I long to share.
compared to five or six years ago, i can see how "lonely" describes engagement, on some levels. social media is far less personalized now.
i admit i don't find it lonely, though i do see the trends you describe. and i do even sometimes find them alienating. speaking into the giant maelstrom can make me feel like i'm missing out, not being heard: i think the current thrust of social media makes us feel like if we're not in the centre of things, we're failing somehow.
you've made me think about why i *don't* think of it as a lonely enterprise or pursuit. i think it may be in the points of comparison. i have a tendency to compare social media against the (for me, very real) loneliness of sitting on my couch by myself, working. and the sometimes MORE lonely experience of trying to engage with people and coming up thin and confused. for me, this happens both in real life and in social media, but the IRL experiences are far more lonely b/c i a) have to invest more energy in those engagements and tend to try hard to find commonality and something shared and still frequently end up feeling like a foreign species, and b) on social media i have access to a far broader range of people and can usually find something or someone to connect with, if i try. something that actually interests me, as opposed to complimenting somebody IRL on their shoes just to have a nice friendly exchange.
that said, it used to be easier, you're right. it is harder out here now to speak of the personal in social media environments and be heard. i think for many of us who began awhile back social media originally felt quite magical b/c we *could* - maybe for the first time - access that kind of intimate engagement with like-minded people. is that what you mean by being social?
or am i going too deep into what you've written? forgive me, i'm really interested, just so up to my neck in analysis that i don't seem to know where to shut up. :)
I sometimes share my opinions on serious political or social issues that I feel close to or strongly about. When Gabby Giffords was shot I found myself conversing on FB because I have met her. I felt like I knew her and wanted to connect with others who also did. I spoke up when during the Komen-Planned Parenthood debacle because PP was my only source of gynecological care through my teens. I had personal experience in those cases. Beyond that sort of thing, I don't like the ride of a bandwagon.
Always appearing to be a real-life social butterfly, I am actually an introvert who long ago honed the skills of a chameleon. I love people and can make nearly anybody feel like the center of attention, because when I am with them, they are that for me. But I find lots of "in the same space" interaction overwhelming and exhausting. I feel others' energy in an amplified way. Social media allow me to still connect and share and communicate without compromising my own balance, so to speak. For that reason, I love it.
My writing and my art allow me to speak and share in a way I find truly comfortable. I create for my own self, my own needs, and feel lucky to have had some commercial success. FB and Twitter give me platforms for exposure, and I like that. I share my travel details after the fact because we are ever-security minded around here. I post tidbits of day-to-day on FB and Twitter, usually in photo form, but sometimes in mundane lines of text. I adore posting about the time I spend with my grandson and family, but rarely announce life events. I share my workout details once or twice a week because if I can do these things, nearly all of my peers can do them too; and I found them through FB friends, so want to spread the news. Generally, outside of my creative endeavors I'm pretty private about details.
I am fine with the evolution of social media. I am also fine with the fact that we all use it differently, for myriad reasons, and I can ignore or delve deeper at my convenience. It works for me.
UGH, I just lost a response that took me a long time to write. Maybe that's a good thing. The heart of it was this: I loved finding my "tribe" through social media, and initially it helped me feel far less lonely in the world. Part of the way I "found" people was through their stories (on blogs and in comments) and through the posts that vividly illustrated one small piece at a time how they lived, thought, moved through the day and their worlds. This was the "gateway" to bigger discussions on bigger topics. This put people into context for me and made what they had to say more interesting. Now I seldom have that context, as people are quick to share links or news stories or promotions and less likely to explain why they care or what it means to them.
People are not sharing their personal stories or details so readily. Some of it is privacy concerns, I'm sure, but some it is that we've become more and more self-conscious about our lives as social media has become more commercial and more geared toward political activism. Everyone is looking for something different from social media, but I miss the sense of personal context and connection. In terms of the example you gave in your comment, I'm a woman who wants to hear about your new shoes as well as discuss social media topics with you. The new shoes tell me something about what makes you happy and whether you're practical or fashionable or both.
My scattered friends seldom share that kind of info anymore and it makes me sad. We all spend a lot of time on FB and it's diverted resources from phone calls, e-mails, and meeting person. I feel we're missing out on both fronts now--too busy to meet in person or call, too self-conscious to talk about what we're doing in social media.
I share many of your thoughts and ideas on this, but social media in general and Facebook in particular, used to be a tool I used to keep up with family and close friends and get a sense of being part of their day even when we are far apart. It no longer functions as well that way, and thus the sense of loneliness. Like you, I'm an introvert. My first impulse isn't to pick up the phone or get together with a big group and catch up. When people stopped sharing the personal bits of their lives, I lost something I valued. Thus now when I go to Facebook, it feels "lonely" to me. Like everyone is "there" but no one is talking.
Just a thought.
I'll stick with my blog and with my followers who appreciate thoughtful and witty commentary on a variety of things. No ads, no personal branding attempts, no cribbed posts full of other people's links or song lyrics.
Your term "curator of content" is genius. Rather than build an idea museum housing other people's thoughts, styles, preferences, and beliefs, we choose to instead keep and nurture our own. As we have seen throughout life, that is what creates change.
Or, at least, builds strength and great character.
Don't feel too lonely. Just remember where to look for your friends.
"Thoughtful post and comments, V. I've been feeling the same about Facebook and am disenchanted by the lack of real content...real as it relates to my friends themselves. My uncle, who lurks more than he comments on FB, posted a picture he "liked" a few days ago. I couldn't understand why he "liked" it. It wasn't his picture or a picture he took...it was some random thing with a weird message that completely didn't relate to the uncle I know. I wondered if someone hacked his account.
The environment on FB now makes me less likely to post a meaningful comment myself...which may be contributing to the problem. Perhaps we should commit ourselves to spending a few minutes each day to bring meaningful content back to our FB pages? I don't know if that sort of quixotic attempt would be worth it or not.
Plus, FB keeps changing things around, and it's hard to keep up. I inadvertently limited my posts to show only to one subgroup of friends, so George--my husband!--wasn't seeing my posts anymore. Neither of us could figure out the problem, and then yesterday I stumbled across the solution by accident. I wonder how many of my real-life friends did the same thing I did...and that explains why I can no longer see their content.
As for Pinterest, I refuse to see it--or use it--as social media. It's an idea board for me, pure and simple. I almost never comment, pin things usually without adding a comment or changing the one that's there, and hardly ever check other people's boards. That's not because I'm not interested in my "real" friends' interests but because I already spend too much time online.
Thanks for making me think this morning, V!"