the truth of it

this is what i believe

this is what i have faith in:

no act of love is ever wasted.

there were those

who didn't understand

why I would drive 750 miles

to visit you, an Alzheimer's patient

in a nursing home--

not my mother

not my family

not my business.

here is the truth:

i did it not because i thought

you would remember me

but because i remembered you

and all the love you "wasted"

in your lifetime.

i sat by your wheelchair

holding your hand

staring into your vacant eyes

keeping faith

that even though

you didn't see me

you knew my love was there.

today i learned

that you died

and as i cried

at my desk

i hoped and prayed

that even though I can't see you

with my tear-clouded eyes

you are beside my wheeled chair

ready to hold my hand.

-- for Janet

June 7, 1935--July 9, 2012

Comments

[Di]

I said, 'Oh God', when I reached the end of this. I know how you felt about her. I'm glad you had those visits. xoxo

[sarah piazza]

sigh. i'm awfully sorry.

[alejna]

This was beautiful. I love this line so much: "no act of love is ever wasted."

I'm sorry for your loss.

[impy]

Dear sweet, sister of my soul V. I am the person that does these things too. Nobody understands either. I tell myself that I get to experience exquisite joy, and sometimes heartache because of my choices and I'm sorry those non-understanders miss those chances. I will take on that extra heartache, so I can welcome extra joy, happiness, and love into my life.

It's just that the heartache is so piercing, for someone like you, who loves with such fearless vulnerability.

The love every bit as much.

I wish the whole world were like you. And I'm so sorry it hurts just now.

love, impy

[V-Grrrl]

This hit me so hard, even though it wasn't unexpected. She was a huge influence on me as a teen and as an adult. Losing her stirred all the grief I felt when I lost my mother 20 years ago and my mother-in-law three years ago. Her illness and the way it separated her from her family are a source of deep sadness too.

Impy, thank you for your tender words. I needed them.