Separate beds, separate rooms

Once upon a time there was a Grrrl who privately mocked her in-laws for their separate beds and later their separate bedrooms.

Young and newly wed, she smugly assumed that SHE would never sleep separately from her husband, that they would always happily share a bed. 

And then many years later, that Grrrl, long-married and dealing with a dozen issues at once, might have found the separate sleeping arrangement thing to be Not A Bad Idea. Maybe it wasn't old-fashioned. Maybe it was modern.

Sure, there were practical reasons. He went to bed early and got up early, and she went to bed late and got up late. They tried to be quiet, but she knew he sometimes woke up when she slipped into bed at 11 p.m. Sometimes the combination of his 2 a.m. bathroom visits and his 4 a.m. alarm was hard. 

There was also snoring. His. Hers. *Sigh*  The horror, the absolute horror, of being transformed from sex god(dess) to Person Who Snores. The shame of it. The indignity. They felt like geezers. She didn't mind his snoring but she got the feeling he minded hers.

He had a lot of sleep issues. He couldn't turn his mind off. He couldn't get comfortable. He complained about the mattress and felt it was to blame. They bought a new mattress that he picked out and it made no difference for him (though she thought it was absolutely divine). He had a hard time relaxing at night and sometimes his tension kept her awake. He'd snap his head off the pillow to look at the clock or fling the covers back when getting out of bed to check on a noise. On those nights, he radiated negative energy and made her tense too.

They also did not fully agree on what constituted a Pleasant Sleeping Environment. She loved the ceiling fan and the movement of air; he found every draft a disturbance. He liked more than one blanket. She preferred just one. She loved the comfort of a pet on the bed. He thought it was a nuisance. She liked to sleep close to him, he drew an invisible line down the center of the bed and expected her to keep on her side of it. She liked open windows. He did not. Every sliver of light disturbed him. She preferred a nightlight in the bathroom. She liked to wear perfume at night, he said strong scents of any kind kept him awake.

All these differences tied into Other Issues having to do with autonomy. Because he was always complaining about sleep issues, she hated to assert her sleep preferences for fear of contributing to his insomnia, but what was the point of giving up what she wanted when none of it seemed to make a difference? And let's be honest, things were sometimes a bit prickly during the day. After decades together, both of them might have grown tired of compromising on matters small and large. It was getting harder to give ground.

She secretly worried that maybe the essence of the sleep problem and tension was Her. Not the light, the fan, the mattress, the perfume, whatever. Maybe he simply wanted to be alone. She was tired of thinking about Sleep or their Relationship or Compromise every night. She just wanted to crawl into bed at the end of the day and Be Happy. Maybe she needed space too.

So without making a fuss, she began sleeping in the bed in her art studio. It was cozy, comforting, easy, and stress free. The dog curled up against her back, the cat sometimes joined her. She opened the window on rainy evenings in the spring and fall, and lifted the blinds when there was a full moon. She put a nightlight in the hall bathroom so she wouldn't stumble if she had to get up at night. She wasn't awakened by his alarm anymore and she didn't disturb him when she went to bed late. The space helped, and not just with sleep. Things were better at night and during the day.

This went on for about a year, until she gave up the bed in her studio to accommodate a house guest and resumed sleeping with her husband. She enjoyed the nearness of him again. Apparently he liked it too. When the house guest left, he said, "Why don't you just sleep in here again?"

So she did.

But now, 18 months later, she is once again thinking about A Room and A Bed of Her Own for many reasons, some practical, some hard to explain.

How about you? Ever think about a room or a bed of your own?

Comments

[sarah piazza]

all the time. yep, all the time.

[J]

Not really...but I would prefer a king sized bed. We had one once, but getting it up the stairs twisted it and I suspect somehow compromised its integrity, as it were. When we replaced it, we got a pillow top that was the ONLY mattress in 4 stores that we both liked (also, of course, the most expensive, damn it) and the delivery people could not get it up the stairs. Too thick. Low ceilings. Stupid. So we went with the same bed in a Queen size. I generally get up earlier than my husband, and I hate to see how happily he stretches out his arm once I'm up. I know he's been hugging it to him all night. Other than that, we're lucky, we generally sleep well together.

My aunt sleeps in a separate bedroom from her husband, and I think they both prefer it. Another option (perhaps not for you guys, because your issues might be room related more than bed related) would be same room, two beds. That works for some.

[V-Grrrl]

My husband has suggested separate beds, same room before. For reasons I can't explain, I *hate* that idea.

[Linda]

I keep waking up in a different bed than I start off in. We go to bed in the same bed then at 2AM his snoring wakes me up and in a half-sleep daze, I just wander into the guest bed. He always wakes up wondering where I am, as if I have left for Paris or something.

[Melanie]

I have done a fair amount of both. When married, with two needy babies, I slept in their room with them. It kept nighttime disturbances to a minimum for all of us, but I didn't like the distance, physical or emotional, that it put between husband and wife. I remember secretly mocking my in-laws too, over what we called the "Lucy & Ricky beds" (two twin beds with a table in between and connected by the headboard). We eventually just got a bigger bed and piled us all in.

When I was no longer married, I slept blissfully in the big bed by myself, reveling in the space and freedom to sleep how and when I felt like it.

Now I share my bed again, with a man AND a dog, and while uncertain at first, now I rather like it. A big bed seems to be key, so we can sleep as close or as far as we like. At his house, he only has a double bed, and none of us sleeps well over there. I wake frequently, and the dog growls, harrumphs and finally moves to the floor, which some nights doesn't seem like an unattractive option. Now and then, the man will take an opportunity to stay alone at his house overnight, which gives us each a chance to stretch out in our own beds by ourselves. That's nice too.

I can certainly see how insomnia and issues around nighttime/sleep could make things prickly all over. Little Irritations can become Big Deals when they occur around the clock AND you add sleep deprivation in. I still don't like the idea of Lucy & Ricky beds though; it's almost more offensive. It's like saying, "I can't stand to be next to you or touch you," whereas, "I was up late in the studio and didn't want to wake you," has a nicer feel to it. I'm interested to hear more about what you decide. :)

[rutimizrachi]

One of the practices of Orthodox Judaism that has surprised me with its brilliance (when it initially seemed a ridiculous, old-fashioned imposition) is that we are expected to sleep apart for part of each month. Now, instead of annoying either of us, it feels like Divine Wisdom. A little autonomous time enhances the together time, which feels like a honeymoon every month. What human male could have had the smarts to figure out how important that would be, over the long haul of a happy marriage?

[V-Grrrl]

Rutimizrachi,

I didn't know of that practice, but yes, it does feel wise.

It *is* about more than beds and sleep practices. It is as if by moving apart from one another, we are clearing out the clutter in the relationship and making space for intimacy.

[rutimizrachi]

Wow! "It is as if by moving apart from one another, we are clearing out the clutter in the relationship and making space for intimacy." Was that beautifully expressed!

[AnnieH]

Same here. Some nights the snoring is louder than others and if I'm the one working the next day hard to sleep through. So we sleep apart some nights, together for some. Or, we start together or apart and switch in the night. I put more meaning into it at first, but with time it has become more of a practical matter. I'll admit, it's nice having the whole bed sometimes without Tigger bouncing in and about when he can't sleep. Though now with the heat...the bedroom is our only sanctuary, so the air-conditioner drowns out everything else and we are all sleeping in there--college kid home for the summer, dog, cat--and in retrospect in the winter months, that's nice, too.

[Kim]

Oh BOY does this resonate with me! We like sleeping together but neither of us sleeps well when we sleep in the same bed. I wake up about 100 times a night anyway and so I've started just going into the office when I wake up and I fall asleep and usually sleep pretty well. My husband will inevitably say, "I slept badly until about 1 and then I slept so much better." And of course...1 AM is when I left the bed. If I happen to stay in the bed he'll say, "I slept badly all night." See? So I just get up and move into the office when I wake up in the night and everyone's happy. We feel like we (sort of) slept together.

[magpie]

Sigh. I would just like a good night's sleep once in a while. I don't much care where. Our house is so small that there's no place to decamp to - no guest room and the couch isn't really big enough for sleeping on. Heaven would be a few days home ALONE.